Outside of the Box; I am brought to my knees!

A man that confuses the fictions of flesh as true beauty is the same as the man that looks into the dark, hoping to find the light. I know this all too well, as I have been the paradox, and in many ways, I still am. This way of life has afforded me the lightest of days, and I regret it as I am entering into the darkest of nights now. 

They love me for my charms and my looks, the promise of the false promises that I have brought them. In deceiving them I have deceived myself, because I know now that this is a life of pleasure. I see now that I life lived for pleasure is not a life worth living at all. It is so finite in it's entirety that it can be summed up so quickly and effortlessly, hardly remembered and surely not admired. 

I am not ashamed; I am humbled. I realize now the follys of my past. I think it is true that most never learn from the past. Ergo, does it make the present moot and the future vastly unpredictable? That has been my case for many years now and as the reality falls upon me, threatening to crush me into the hypocritical foundations on which I stand I feel a chill crawl up my spin and into my scalp. My hair stands on end. This is awe I am feeling, I am sure.

I've been depressed for many years now. I was diagnosed with depression from a very early age. Not from a psychiatrist (my parents never really paid much attention to me to begin with) but from a personal view as I aged. It's an uphill battle that I thought I was winning, but was only compensating for. Understand? I've been living in the NOW too much, and not in the future. I'm not the type of person to precisely analyze every account of my life- and never will be- but I know that the way I've been living has been wrong. An immediate change needs to be instated. 

And here I am, on the precipice, looking down into the abyss with nothing more than my wits and experiences. They are many among the commonfolk but few among the 'few', if you know what I am saying.

Lets suppose it doesn't matter now, and the concern is the future. What place have I in shaping the future if I don't change now? Begone, guilty conscience and let me be!

Sans fear and disconfort of any sort. Sleep well and live fruitfully, dearests.